Catholics Are People, Too
by ProbableImpossibilities
Summary: Maxwell wrote a five-paragraph, English-class-type persuasive letter to all you Hellsing fan-fiction authors. He got a B- on it.


_Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing._

**Vatican Public Service Announcement  
**

My Friends,

I have recently discovered this wonderful website, and I am moved by how kind it is of all of you to post the vampire Alucard's inmost secrets online. However, as I have read over the material included on this site, I am saddened by the amount of abuse the Iscariot Organization receives in your stories. Since none of my English teachers ever taught me how to write in the real world, I have prepared a five-paragraph essay that I hope will help you to see things from our point of view. I believe that the Iscariot Organization deserves more respect in the realm of fan-fiction because you hurt our feelings, we have cool outfits, and we're not the main antagonists in this story, anyway.

First of all, Iscariot should get more respect because we have feelings, too. I have read story after story of Iscariot members being shown as hypocrites, idiots and/or incompetents, and it makes me very sad. In fact, you've forced me to start writing emo poetry. _(Click here to go to my blog: maxwell_acting_depressed_for_sympathy)_ If Iscariot received more respect, we might be able to move towards the first step in rebuilding our shattered self-esteems. I know that since we do not approve of Alucard and his fledgling, many of you don't like us. You feel that we are threatening your favorite characters, so we are the bad guys. I urge you to at least give us a chance. It hurts our feelings when you say mean things about us. It's just like those bullies in high school... hey, I already gave you my lunch money! Okay, okay... don't hurt me- *oof*! Uncle! UNCLE!

Can somebody please get me out of this locker? Eew... how long has this sandwich been here?

Secondly, we deserve respect because we have really cool outfits. While I agree that the members of Hellsing are at least moderately stylish, their motley arrangement of mismatched military and Victorian costumes cannot really compare to the James-Bond-ness of wearing a long, dark grey trench coat and shaded glasses. We all match, and we make a much better photo for Christmas cards and such than Hellsing members do. Also, we keep it retro without going too retro. For example, I think you should know that I saw a hat just like Alucard's at the Goodwill the other day. The exact same hat. And not only was it on the Clearance Rack, but I was nearly run over by a group of Red Hatters making a beeline for it. I think that should tell you something about Hellsing's sense of fashion. Ooh, is that an argyle cardigan? I have to have that!

Lastly but not least-ly, the Iscariot Organization should not receive the pounding it does because WE ARE NOT MILLENNIUM! They are the main antagonists! Antagonize THEM! Why can't you just rail on the evil Nazis and leave us poor, innocent Catholics alone? We're not the ones who killed Alucard! We're not the ones who stole the HMS Eagle! And we're certainly not the ones who did the Lucky Star Dance on the inside back cover of Volume Nine. Speaking of that, any and all rumors that I came close to joining in are totally unfounded. I hate dancing! So what if I spent twelve hours on DDR last night? You can't prove anything! Innocent until proven guilty beyond the shadow of a doubt! Call your first witness, prosecution. I have the right to remain silent!

Holy crap, I've been watching WAY too much Law and Order. I should quit... ooh! Matlock's on at ten!

In conclusion, I believe that the Iscariot Organization deserves more respect on this site because it makes us feel better about ourselves, we have awesome outfits, and we're not Millennium. I really appreciate your cooperation on this subject. _(Translation: If you don't cooperate, we'll hunt you down and kill you in your sleep with a machete.)_ Remember, Catholics are people, too.

Sincerely,

Bishop Enrico Maxwell  
Section XIII, Iscariot


End file.
